I did get the sleeping thing more or less straightened out, but then I had a household emergency which ate up all of my free time for a few weeks. Not a threatening-to-life-and-limb kind of household emergency, just a really, really annoying and time-consuming one. I’ll be back to my irregularly scheduled blogging sometime next week.

It’s been one of those times when I was dismayed to remember that even when I am well, life can still suck quite a lot sometimes. No matter. Stuff is in order now.

My mood has gone back to what passes for normal in my little world, but I’m still having sleep problems and I’ll be lying low, blogwise, until I get my sleep a bit more back on track. I am happy, but not too happy, and I’m no longer wired… but once again, I’m tired. Moderate sort of tired, not walking-dead sort of tired, but I’d been doing so well in the sleep department lately that this is disappointing. Internet-land won’t be a priority for me until I can manage to get back onto a more regular sleep/wake cycle.

When I was a bit younger, I used to have really bad PMS. It was probably bad enough to be diagnosed as PMDD, but if anybody ever did diagnose me as such, they didn’t tell me. Every time I attempted suicide, I think it was just before or during my period. The worst thing about it was that my period was also extremely irregular, so I never even knew when the PMS was coming. Although there was a good side to that, too — I’d suddenly become intensely suicidal, but when my period would come, I’d be so relieved to know that there was a concrete reason for my mood, I wasn’t “going crazy” again, and I’d be feeling better in a few days. That’s an amazing sense of relief to have.

This was a major issue for me until I started taking the birth control pill. I wanted to start taking it a few years before I actually did, but I couldn’t find a doctor who would prescribe it for me. The reason? I was on Topamax, and Topamax can sometimes make oral contraceptives less effective. This only holds true if you’re on 200 mg or more daily, and I think I was on 100 mg at the time, but who’s counting?

How did I eventually get prescribed oral contraceptives? Well, one day I went to a clinic to get the morning after pill (yes, we’d been using protection, but we had a condom breakage issue) and when the doctor was asking me some questions, I told her that this was the third or fourth occasion that I’d taken emergency contraceptives (over a span of three years).

She said, “Polly, Polly, Polly, what are we going to do with you?”

She had never seen me before in her life.

I said, “Well, for starters, somebody could prescribe me the birth control pill!”

And so she did. Yes, she knew that I was taking Topamax and that it could make the Pill less effective. I should point out that the other doctors I’d asked about birth control had all been male.

I never took the morning after pill again. I have never been pregnant. A couple years later, I stopped taking Topamax.

I know that oral contraceptives cause really bad mood swings in some women, but they actually help prevent them for me. It’s also nice having my menstrual cycle regulated, so that I know when a possible time of PMS is coming up. On the other hand, since I now only rarely get depressed and irritable before I get my period, there’s still that element of surprise. If I’ve gone for many months without PMS, I’m not expecting it to happen.

Which is why last week, I spent a couple of days feeling like I wanted to go lie down in traffic, but was cheered up when I realized that I only felt that was because of PMS. Then I got a little too cheered up, because I had an insomnia thing going on, and I got hypomanic. I was so jumpy and hyper that I was seriously afraid that I was going to have to call in sick to work one day because of it. I had a cup of coffee the day before, like an idiot — I try not to drink coffee at all normally, and when I’m hypomanic, coffee is an incredibly bad idea. IT MAKES MY BRAIN FEEL LIKE IT IS JUMPING UP AND DOWN. AND IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE EVERY NERVE IN MY BODY IS JUMPING UP AND DOWN INSIDE MY SKIN, TOO. And that’s actually a lot of fun, even if my pitiful, inaccurate attempts to describe it make it sound uncomfortable. The uncomfortable part comes because I. Can’t. Keep. Still. and any situation that would require me to stay still is horrible for me. If I’ve got free rein to climb on stuff and do whatever I want, then it’s tons of fun.

You see why this might be a problem when I’m at work, though.

I guess caffeine does this to a lot of people, but if you are not manic-depressive, I don’t think that ONE CUP OF COFFEE can make you feel like this for TWELVE HOURS STRAIGHT before you start to come down a little.

Anyway, I somehow started feeling a lot more subdued, and I was able to go to work, and it was all good.

Um, I have no idea where I was going with this. I’m still a wee bit on the hypomanic side, but not in a bad way. Oh, yeah. I wanted to mention that although I don’t eat as well as I should, for a long time now I’ve been doing really well at trying to make sure my sleep schedule is as regular as possible, because I know how important it is for me to sleep properly if I want to stay well.

Ha ha ha, I’m standing up at the computer again because I’m still not so awesome with the sitting still. Sit down, you.

Anyway, my sleep being messed up through no fault of my own and the subsequent consequences provided me with additional proof that I should definitely stick to a regular sleeping schedule. I’m so much more stable when I do. I know, duh, right? Although the insomnia wasn’t brought on by anything I did, for a few days I didn’t try hard enough to get my schedule back on track, and that only served to remind me that it is dumb not to try to get enough sleep. It is also dumb for me to oversleep, or to sleep at weird times, especially since I have a more-or-less nine-to-five kind of job.

I’m trying harder now, though. For really.

I’ve been having a rough week. This used to be de rigeur for me, but now that I’m so stable most of the time and don’t have random severe mood swings caused by nothing whatsoever, I tend to forget that I can still have major mood swings triggered by physical things such as my sleep schedule being all messed up. Which it is right now. I try to keep a much more regular sleep schedule than I used to, because I know how important it is to my mental health. Overall, it works out pretty well… but no matter how hard I try, it doesn’t work all the time.

So now there is insomnia leading to rapid-fire mood swings, and even though it’s not nearly as bad as it used to be a few years ago, I still find it disturbing. I find it disturbing simply because I’m not used to it anymore. I didn’t used to have a normal baseline mood. Now that I do have one, it’s kind of freaky to watch myself deviate from it. I’m not even worried that things will get worse; I’m really not. I know I’ve got everything under control. It’s just unsettling to be going along for a while not having to try particularly hard to keep everything under control, and then all of a sudden having to work at it again.

Lately I have the attention span of a flea on a hot tin roof, but I just wanted to mention that the Globe and Mail is doing a series this week (it actually started last Friday) called Breakdown: Canada’s Mental Health Crisis. I haven’t been looking at the web site, and I’ve actually been buying the newspaper every day but I’ve only been giving the articles a cursory glance. I’ve got to sit down sometime and check it all out.

Heyyy, that is a great typo on the front page of the Breakdown site: “biopolar disorder.” Nice.

Often I think of my life as being described by (an extremely simplified version of) the Second Law of Thermodynamics. The level of chaos always tends to increase. Lately, it’s more like Newton’s First Law of Motion, where a body in motion tends to stay in motion and a body at rest tends to stay at rest. I either spend my time running around like a chicken with its head cut off or sitting around not doing much of anything. Today, it was not doing much of anything. It was yesterday, too. Ah, inertia. Ah, crappy similes.

One concept that I really like is the idea of microactions, which are tiny actions that aren’t even big enough to be considered “steps” to achieving a goal. They can be useful when you’re feeling like I was when I wrote my last post, as if everything is too much work and far too complicated.

The article Inch by Inch: Microactions by Mary LoVerde has a good overview:

Microactions are teeny tiny steps that propel us forward without threatening our sense of control. They get around our fears because we commit to something so little we could hardly be afraid and we’re guaranteed success. They’re much smaller than steps and often so ridiculous that we outfox our resistance to change.

Sometimes, when you do a microaction, it provides you with so much momentum that you actually find yourself achieving a goal, or at least taking a couple of steps toward doing so. The example in the article is of a woman whose microaction was to put on exercise clothes, and she felt silly standing around in exercise clothes and figured she might as well go for a walk. You can’t go into it expecting that to happen, though, because then you might be too freaked out to even take a microaction since you feel like you’d have to immediately follow it up with a bunch of other stuff you’re too tired to do, or you just do the microaction and feel disappointed in yourself for not accomplishing anything big. Sometimes you will accomplish something bigger, sometimes you’ll acclimatize yourself to a certain microaction so that it becomes part of your routine and it won’t take so much effort in the future, and sometimes you’ll only manage to do one tiny, little thing, and that might be the only thing that you do all day.

And sometimes that’s okay, because doing something is better than doing nothing.

A bit of looking around online shows me that Mary LoVerde is the author of Stop Screaming at the Microwave! : How to Connect Your Disconnected Life. I have always thought that was the best title for a self-help book that I’ve ever heard. I don’t know if I’d actually find the book itself helpful if I ever read it, but I can tell you that every time I see it in a store, I feel a bit better, because the title makes me giggle. Stop screaming at the microwave! Hee hee hee.

On a slightly related note, just in case you don’t understand how much of a dork I am, whenever I write a to-do list, the first item on it is always “Write to-do list.” That means there’s always something I can cross off right away, and it makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something.

Things I wanted to do tonight: Heat up frozen mini-pizzas and eat them, take a shower, do two loads of laundry, write a long blog post, pack my bags for the long weekend. This doesn’t sound too hard, does it?

Things I managed to do tonight: Eat Lunchmates (using the oven and washing dishes seemed way too complex), do one load of laundry, start writing a blog post, get distracted in the middle of it because I’m trying to find a certain envelope that had stuff written on it, wander around looking for the envelope, get really frustrated that I can’t find it, think I should clean the bedroom but I don’t want to, sit back down and try to write the blog post but instead find myself rocking back and forth. I’ll pack in the morning. I’ll shower tomorrow night. No, I’ll take a bath tomorrow night. You don’t even have to stand up to do that. Scrap the blog post that was supposed to be long and semi-meaningful, and start writing this one instead.

I hate that sometimes, even when I’m not particularly depressed or hypomanic, I still can’t do things that everybody else can do. I mean I literally can’t do them. At work, I am always organized, often hyperfocused, and have no problem multitasking. In the rest of my life, though, the simplest tasks frequently seem unbearably complex. Tonight the thought of washing my hair or turning on the oven made me want to crumple into a little heap. I’m not even sad. I’m not even tired. I’m not having particularly intrusive racing thoughts. I’m not just being lazy, either. Trust me — I’m lazy frequently enough to know when I’m being lazy! I’ve got plenty of experience in that area.

I’m not always like this. Just far more often than I’d like to be.

It had been a long time since I checked out the artwork at explodingdog, but I went there last night, and I’ve felt just like this little guy so many times in the past that when I saw him, I almost cried.

Hey, student nurse. Yes, you, the girl who recently did a rotation on a psychiatric ward. I don’t think that while you are riding on the bus, you are supposed to be telling detailed stories to your friend about the patients in the hospital. You know everybody else around you on the bus can hear you, too, right? But you don’t care at all, do you? Of course not. Most mental health workers I’ve seen don’t give a damn about patient confidentiality, so why should you be any different, student nurse? I bet you think that since you didn’t mention any names, everything is cool, right? Well, guess what. It’s not. By the way, those were human beings you were poking fun at. I understand that dark humour has a place among health care workers, to help them cope with the things they have to deal with in their work. That place is not on the bus, however.

Hey, guy from the bus a month or two ago. I overheard you when you were saying, “It seems like everybody I grew up with is dying. One guy died of a drug overdose. Another friend of mine killed herself in jail in Ontario.”

I wanted to say, “You were friends with Ashley Smith? Man, I’m so sorry about what happened to her.”

But, of course, I didn’t say anything.

Yup, I’m still around; I’ve just been too tired to blog lately. It is several hours before my usual bedtime, but I am already seriously considering crawling under my covers. The good thing is that so far I still haven’t gotten the flu that everybody else has. Exhaustion is better than exhaustion plus vomiting plus headache, but it still kind of sucks. I tried to fight the tiredness for a few days by not taking my meds exactly as prescribed, which was a poor idea, because it didn’t bring me back to normal, it just propelled me into a Zoloft-induced state of wakefulness where I felt like jumping out of my skin but I didn’t actually accomplish anything. I’ll take sleep instead of that, thank you very much. I don’t usually get enough sleep, so I just have to keep reminding myself that a temporary surplus of it is A Good Thing.