Welcome to Rapid Cycling. Population: me.

(The image above is a magnet I have on my refrigerator.)

Lately I have been up-down-up-down-up-down. Usually rapid cycling is a February-March-April thing for me, and I start easing out of it around this time of year. Susan at Bipolar Wellness Writer recently wrote two good posts about seasonal aspects of depression and manic depression, Ebbs and Flows and Seasonal Affective Disorder. I can relate, as there is definitely a seasonal component to my illness.

I tend to have an overarching mood pattern of being very depressed from late September to early February, then hypomanic/manic until mid-May, then relatively normal or mildly hypomanic until late September. But I also tend to have cycles within cycles, especially in the February-to-May cycle. Then I often bounce from euphoric to dysphoric hypomania (and occasionally mania) to depression and back again, in random order, for random periods of time. The spring is my prime rapid cycling time, but that doesn’t mean it never happens at other times of year. I usually feel good during the summer, but sometimes I have episodes of depression then. I’m usually depressed during the fall and early winter, but sometimes I’ll be Doing Just Fine or I’ll have brief periods of hypomania.

For nearly five months, I have been Doing Just Fine with some ventures into mild hypomania now and then. For the past few days, though, I have been up and down frequently. I know some reasons why, of course. My current jobs have very variable hours and I don’t do so well when I’m not following a stricter schedule of sleeping and eating and working and leisure time. My problems with finding adequate treatment have also been frustrating me lately. (Experimental Chimp does a good job of blogging about his struggle to find adequate treatment, by the way.)

You ever notice that if someone already has you tagged with borderline personality disorder, then any time you admit that an actual life stressor is affecting your mood somehow, it’s seen as further confirmation that you have BPD? I know there’s supposed to be a “marked reactivity of mood,” but aren’t manic-depressives, or, God forbid, even people without any psychiatric diagnosis, permitted to have some reaction to things that have actually happened to them? And when some of those things are clearly physical reactions rather than psychological ones, too? It’s not rocket science that I’m going to be more unstable when my eating and sleeping and general living patterns are irregular.

Just an observation. I mean, I know that I currently don’t make a strong case for my own point at all, as my extreme rapid cycling as of late is actually typical of someone with BPD. I mean “extreme” in the sense of frequency/length of episodes and not at all in the sense of the behaviour that I am exhibiting. The most “extreme” I’ve been behaviour-wise lately was that Tuesday I cried a bit, and only the mental health nurse saw it the first time and nobody saw the second time.

At this very moment, I feel great, just so you know. At this very moment, I can’t imagine being depressed about anything. Don’t you love how even in the middle of rapid cycling, somehow I manage to firmly believe that whatever mood state I’m in is permanent?

I love Stephany’s post Who is a mental health advocate? Read it.

If you know where the title of my post came from without having to Google it, then I love you.

Stephany at soulful sepulcher listed my blog as one of her five choices for a Thinking Blogger Award. Thanks, Stephany. Since I know that some blogs have been mentioned multiple times in this meme, I’m going to attempt to list five blogs that make me think, but that I don’t believe have already gotten Thinking Blogger Awards. If I’m wrong and they have received them, well, they’re all excellent blogs, which is why I’m listing them, of course, so go visit them anyway! Oh, yeah, these are in alphabetical order.

1. Bipolar Wellness Writer - Eloquent, and focuses a lot on two of the things that interest me the most — healing and writing. Don’t get me wrong; I love good writing about illness, but there’s so much less good writing about wellness out there in any format that I really appreciate it when I find some.
2. my pockets hurt - Juniper is engaging and honest in her blog about coping with borderline personality disorder and life in general. I love reading her posts on any topic — working for a tutoring company, running into annoying people at the laundromat, whatever.
3. Pole to Polar: The secret life of a manic-depressive - I don’t know how she does it. Seaneen’s posts are so long and so frequent, but they still manage to be jam-packed with interesting, thought-provoking content. I like to imagine that I would write posts like she does if I had any patience or attention span.
4. Roller Coaster - Honestly, I’ve only skimmed over some of the posts in Marja’s blog, because I just discovered it today, but I’ve owned a copy of her book for years and I love her book, so I already know I like her writing. The book is actually one of the main inspirations for the title of this blog! Many of Marja’s posts are about bipolar disorder and Christian faith.
5. Spanglemonkey - Speaking of “I don’t know how she does it,” Jo is one of the most prolific bloggers I’ve ever come across. Multiple posts every day and she has been doing this for years. About bipolar disorder and BPD, parenting, writing, life, the universe, and everything.

These are the rules of the Thinking Blogger Awards:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think,
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme,
3. Optional: Proudly display the ‘Thinking Blogger Award’ with a link to the post that you wrote.

Marissa at depression introspection posts about the Virginia Tech shootings, bullying, compassion, and prevention. It’s titled The Most Controversial Post You’ll Ever Read Today, but it’s hard for me to see it as controversial, when I agree with much of what she says, especially the parts about Columbine. When I was in junior high, I never considered killing the people who bullied me, but I certainly understood where Harris and Klebold were coming from. What I’ve never understood is why school shooters also tend to kill absolutely anyone that’s around — why wouldn’t they just target the bullies? Why do they also kill people who’ve never done anything to them?

Gianna at Bipolar Blast posts about labels: Patient, Client, Consumer, User, Ex-User, Ex-Patient, Psychiatric Survivor, the Psychiatrized. My big problem in finding a term to use is that I’d like for there to be an umbrella term for those of us who are “mentally interesting” or who don’t believe they are but who have been in the psychiatric system anyway. I am currently in the psychiatric system and I’m not looking to leave it, so for me, that rules out a bunch of those terms like ex-patient. I’m not technically anti-psychiatry, but I’m definitely against bad psychiatry, and there’s an alarming amount of it out there. I’m not a Psychiatric Survivor, I’m a Survivor of Bad Psychiatry. Anyway, all of these terms focus on the relationship between the individual and the psychiatric system, and I’m more interested in finding one for just the individual, who, in his or her search for wellness, relates to many other people and institutions — family, friends, work, school, society as a whole, etc. — and isn’t defined solely by his or her relationship to psychiatry.

The thing that really bothers me about the term “consumer” is that it makes it seem as if we purchase a product and then do nothing else to further our wellness, that we aren’t active participants at all. Of course, this is what some people do — take the drugs and don’t think about eating and sleeping properly, having good relationships with others, expressing themselves creatively, and all of that. “Consumer” takes the fact that I work damn hard in all areas of my life and reduces it to a simple financial transaction, and that is grossly inaccurate.

You know you are hypomanic when…

…you have thirty-two tabs open in your browser window because you keep jumping from topic to topic, page to page, yet you can’t bring yourself to close any of them.

As I think I’ve mentioned before, I’ve had a few job interviews lately. Preparing for them has taken up much of my time. I’ve been pretty enthused about it. Okay, make that REALLY enthused. By which I mean that I stayed awake for over forty hours at one point last week. I’m not worried, though. Maybe I have ideas for a bunch of new projects and I REALLY want to go shopping and one night I purposely didn’t take my pills just ’cause I didn’t wanna, but I’ve been sleeping okay since that forty-hour stretch of wakefulness and I haven’t done anything stupid yet.

Since I recently spent eight years being a mentally ill university student, and also since I’m a human being who cares about other human beings, of course I’m deeply troubled by the Virginia Tech shootings. I don’t know if I’ll have any meaningful commentary on it in the future, and I don’t have any now except to say that my thoughts and prayers go out to those students and their families and friends.