Coming back, confused
Stumbling back, blinking confusedly and wondering what happened to the past week.
My brother was released from the hospital after nine days there. My mom says he is doing okay, but she worries about him all the time. She is worried about what he’ll do the next time he and his girlfriend have a fight. They’re always fighting. He told her that if she took that job this summer, he’d kill himself. She took the job, he didn’t kill himself or try to kill himself, but he did have to spend nine days in the hospital.
I’m a bit hypomanic. Nothing extreme, mainly I’m kind of hypersexual and I’m also feeling like it’s stupid to be taking my medication. Usually, if I’m not taking my medication properly or if I stop taking it altogether, it really is because of the side effects. I am not the stereotypical “she stopped taking her pills because she thought she didn’t need them anymore” manic-depressive. (Almost nobody is, by the way. People just think that we are because they don’t actually believe us when we tell them how bad the side effects are.)
But I am that stereotype right now. Or at least I would be if I actually stopped taking my pills, which I have not. I want to, though. I feel so good right now. How could there possibly be anything wrong with me? Why would I possibly need drugs?
Twice in the past, I went off all of my meds without telling my doctor. I didn’t think that I wasn’t manic-depressive; I just thought I could handle it better without the drugs. Both times, I felt fine for a little while. Both times, things changed. The first time was a bit more gradual. It started out as mild paranoia, then moved to severe paranoia and delusions, and then added auditory hallucinations. Now, that was a fun six months. The second time was much more sudden. A case of severe insomnia turned overnight into serious suicidality and helped set off a chain of hospitalizations. All of that funstuff is why I decided that although I would try taking lower dosages of medication, and although I would stop taking Dope-a-max and atypical antipsychotics, I probably shouldn’t take no medication at all.
Right now, though, I feel like I’m talking about someone else. I have a hard time believing that I was ever ill. It feels like it was all a dream. I am fine. There’s nothing wrong with me. Why would I need pills?
July 3rd, 2007 at 6:02 pm
According to the TAC, you have anosognosia:
“Impaired awareness of illness is a strange thing. It is difficult to understand how a person who is sick would not know it.”
http://www.psychlaws.org/BriefingPapers/BP14.htm
BTW, I’m NOT a fan of the TAC. Just thought I’d throw this out there and see what people think.
July 3rd, 2007 at 6:57 pm
Whatever you decide in the long term about medication and you, going off of medication cold turkey isn’t a good idea for anyone, ill or healthy for lack of better terms. Even if you were a research subject on your medication as long as I assume you have been on it (more than a month or two I’m guessing), going off cold turkey can/will give you a rebound syndrome which looks just like the original problem you started taking the medicaition for or worse. So if you want to go off long term, get help to taper from someone who knows what they’re doing, but in the short term, cold turkey sucks.
Glad you’re not feeling lousy though :).
July 3rd, 2007 at 7:12 pm
For you, it seems like a good indicator that you’re hypomanic is that you don’t think you need medication. But honey, stay on the meds.
July 4th, 2007 at 1:30 pm
I wouldn’t say anosognosia doesn’t exist, but I’d say that the folks at TAC are pigheaded and ridiculous in saying it’s the single largest reason why individuals with bipolar disorder don’t take their medications. No, the single largest reason is intolerable side effects. From reading that page, TAC also seems to think that 40% of people with bipolar disorder don’t believe that they have an illness while they’re experiencing severe symptoms. Isn’t it more likely that we’d decide we don’t need meds while we’re asymptomatic? Which I still think doesn’t happen as often as the general public thinks it does. “It is difficult to understand how a person who is sick would not know it.” I’m NOT sick! I’m perfectly fine! And maybe some of that is because I’m taking medication, but silly TAC folks, when your illness is being kept under control and you’re not experiencing any symptoms of it, you’re not sick! You can’t call in sick to work with the explanation that you have a chronic medical condition that is giving you absolutely no trouble at the moment.
I’m staying on my medication, by the way. I have no side effects from it and I feel good. It would be silly for me to mess with that.
July 8th, 2007 at 10:47 am
See, now I don’t have bipolar disorder without the medication, although; I certainly had all the horrible, unbearable mood changes and racing thoughts and sometimes even psychotic symptoms while ON the medication.
AFTER being put on meds is when the worst symptoms started, and every time I tried to go off the meds, the withdrawal magnified the problem. I was in the hospital 26 times, because of that. I’ve been in the hospital ZERO times without the meds, and it’s been nearly two years. TAC can F-off.
Yes, I’m one of those with a “bipolar I w/rapid cycling” dx running around saying “I don’t have bipolar disorder”, but it’s not because I have anosognosia.(Once they decide you’re bipolar and put it in the chart, you’re bipolar forever whether you are or not) The “anosognosia” went away AFTER stopping the meds, because I was able to have the insight and focus to work on the REAL cause of the symptoms that put me into the hands of the mental health system in the first place.
July 8th, 2007 at 6:11 pm
Well, that’s a whole other kettle of fish, and since I am manic-depressive, I wasn’t focusing on people who are misdiagnosed and then accused of anosognosia. Which sounds like it completely sucks, by the way. I do have bipolar disorder without the medication. I’ve got bipolar symptoms without medication, no bipolar symptoms or way fewer symptoms when I’m taking what appear to be the appropriate meds for me, and when I’m on the wrong meds and/or the dosages are too high, then the side effects give me all kinds of interesting and horrible symptoms of various shit. The problem was that I was way too heavily medicated for years, and I thought that all these symptoms were the result of me not trying hard enough. Although I believe my diagnosis of bipolar disorder is correct, I have also been misdiagnosed with quite a few other things, some which are, by definition, impossible to have at the same time!
Once they decide you’re bipolar and put it in the chart, you’re bipolar forever whether you are or not.
Actually, due to Murphy’s Law, the way it works is like this: If you are not bipolar, once they decide you’re bipolar and put it in the chart, you’re bipolar forever. If you are bipolar, stop taking your meds, feel fine for six months, then abruptly nosedive into suicidality and wind up in the hospital, the shrink there will decide he disagrees with what is in your chart even though he has barely spoken with you. He will prescribe you antidepressants and nothing else, because he doesn’t think you’re bipolar. Then, when antidepressants make you completely batshit insane and you’re back in the hospital in three weeks, the same shrink will tell you that the antidepressants not working mean that you’ve never really been depressed, because if you ever had, the drugs would make you feel better by now. He will refuse to believe that the drugs had anything to do with your behaviour. You’re just personality-disordered and attention-seeking.
July 9th, 2007 at 11:50 am
I don’t have much to add, but I know that bipolar depression is more difficult to treat than unipolar depression, never mind the mania!
At any rate, I’m glad to hear that you’ve decided to stay on your meds.
August 23rd, 2007 at 4:29 am
I am the mother of a child diagnosed with hypomania and I need input. Meds? no MEDS (Merde). I love this child with all my heart. Can someone out there guide me????