My cat did not do this
Yesterday somebody asked me, “What happened to your arm?”
It is both sad and funny that I had to ask him to clarify. “Which arm?”
“The left one,” he said.
I felt slightly relieved. The right arm is the one with the four-inch-long scar on the forearm. No one has ever asked me about it, probably because 1) it’s not as noticeable as the scars on my left arm, 2) it hasn’t been there as long, and 3) uh, it’s kind of obvious that I slashed my wrist a bit. The right-arm question isn’t one I feel like answering.
Neither was the left-arm question, apparently, because I just said, “Oh, that’s from years ago.” Which is true, but doesn’t answer anything. The last time someone actually asked me, which was in 2002, I said, “I cut myself with a razor blade.” No one has asked since then. The actual scars are from 1999. There are about twenty of them, on my upper arm. They’re short and not extremely noticeable, especially since they’re high enough up that I have to be wearing very short sleeves for them to even be visible.
I don’t think I was actually ashamed to answer truthfully. I think I just didn’t feel obligated. It’s hard for me to remember that not wanting to tell everybody doesn’t necessarily mean I’m ashamed of myself. The person who asked was a coworker I’ve never even had a conversation with before.
Is it just me, or is it kind of rude for a person you have never exchanged any words with other than “Hi” to ask what happened to your arm, when they’re not even doing so to express some sort of sympathy for a recent injury, as the scars have clearly been there a long time?
June 12th, 2007 at 4:06 pm
Not just kind of rude, extremely rude. I mean, would you ask someone who’s blind how it happened if you didn’t know them personally and well?
June 12th, 2007 at 6:48 pm
It was a guy I bet. We men are blunt sometimes.
June 12th, 2007 at 9:21 pm
It’s rude. It’s definitely rude, but sometimes I think it’s worse when they just try to inconspicuously look every chance they get during a conversation. I usually notice them noticing while trying to pretend that they aren’t looking or stealing glances. I think the people who notice and don’t ask already have a pretty good idea what they’re from. It’s socially insensitive for someone to ask that question as soon as you’ve met, but those are probably the people who couldn’t fathom anyone doing such a thing to themselves.
June 14th, 2007 at 1:41 am
It’s not just you - it’s rude, although it wouldn’t have necessarily occurred to them that it was self-inflicted, and thus they may not have realised what an awkward question they were asking. There are a lot of people who couldn’t fathom anyone doing such a thing to themselves, as TMA said.
Such people can respond in either of two ways - there’s the predictable ‘OMG, how f***ed in the head are you’ followed by a mad rush for the door, but there are also those who for whom the act is so alien, both to their perception of you and their perception of human behaviour in general, that they fail to mentally either assimilate or accommodate it in any way. They tend to behave as if it’s an old war injury - which, in some cases, is a most apt metaphor.
June 15th, 2007 at 3:44 pm
It was a guy, and I’m pretty sure it didn’t occur to him that it might be self-inflicted (well, not before he asked, but he probably thought of it once I didn’t give him a straight answer), but you guys are right. It is really rude. There’s a girl at work who’s in a wheelchair, and I just can’t fathom going up to her and saying, “So why are you in that thing, anyway?” before I’ve ever said anything else to her other than “Hi.”
June 16th, 2007 at 4:19 am
Is it really that rude? or just stupid or naive? Don’t you see small innocent children asking loudly of mommy or daddy “why is that man in a wheelchair?” or “why is that woman so fat?” and such observations of the emperors new cloths.
As a guy, I don’t think he intended harm or insult, just a matter of fact, like “your hair is dyed blond? oh? I didn’t know” or “you have a bad knee since you were hit by a car on your bicycle? oh? I didn’t know”.
June 17th, 2007 at 2:10 pm
Being too stupid or naive to realize that something is rude doesn’t magically make it not rude. It just means that it’s not intentionally rude. I never did think he intended any harm or insult.
June 18th, 2007 at 1:30 am
I have scars from 4 fistula (dialysis access) surgeries on my left arm. No one has ever asked me about them, not once. I think it would be rude if they did. I do wonder sometimes if anyone assumes they are self-injury, but when I asked a massage therapist if they looked like I had been a drug addict she said no, they looked like I had been in a car wreck, so maybe that’s why no one asks?
There is a survivor in Canada who made art out of her scars, if I find a link to it I will come back and share but it’s been years since I saw mention of it.
June 18th, 2007 at 2:23 pm
This is a major issue in my life too. It’s winding down since my scars are old and whitened, but my left forearm looks unavoidably badly scarred. I have never understood why total strangers think it’s appropriate to ask about them. I’ve been told that the best response is, “Some people might find that question to be inappropriately invasive.” It’s supposed to deflect and not sound accusatory. I’ve never remembered to use it because I’m busy biting back less appropriate responses. My favorite incident, though, occurred back when my scars were still red and angry; I was swearing short sleeves only because it was like 110 degrees and was at the video store with a friend. The guy at the register asked, “Do you have a cat?” I was mystified as to this random query but said I did. He said, “He must scratch you a lot.” I was speechless, but my friend busted up laughing and said, “What the hell? You think she’s keeping a goddamn mountain lion for a house pet?” Jeez.
June 18th, 2007 at 2:24 pm
Sorry, my Web site was wrong in the first post.
June 18th, 2007 at 3:54 pm
When I was nineteen and I used to cut a lot, I thought it would be amusing (and possibly useful) if I had a T-shirt that said “YES, I DO HAVE A CAT” on the front. On the back, it could say “but she’s declawed.” I never actually made one, though.
July 3rd, 2007 at 5:54 pm
I think at that point I’d say, “None of your business.”