Buy the ticket, take the ride
I’m still rapid cycling. At first I was keeping things under control so well that no one could tell there was something wrong. Now I’m keeping things under control so well that only my boyfriend can tell there’s something wrong.
I don’t want to lose any more control than this. I don’t want friends or coworkers or random strangers to know that there’s anything wrong.
Last night, irritated as hell by everything, wanting to knock down pyramids of cans displayed at the grocery store, just because they were there, but not, of course, doing it. (I say “of course” as if it’s a given that I wouldn’t do such a thing, but I guess it’s not. Just because I haven’t before doesn’t mean I wouldn’t ever. Although I don’t think I would.) The night before that, crying and crying and crying and thinking that there was no point to anything.
Tonight? Happy and peppy. Tra la, tra la. Hey, maybe I’m finished with the rapid cycling for now. Maybe it’ll stay this way. Hey, maybe I’ll be happy for the rest of my life! Tee hee hee.
I am doing better with the eating thing, mainly because I seem to be getting some of my appetite back. So now I am eating food and feeling guilty about it, which I guess is progress from eating almost no food and still feeling guilty.
There were plenty of Important Topics that I would have liked to post about in the past few days, but I could never manage to unscramble my brain enough to actually do it. Now I can barely even remember what they were. Maybe tomorrow.
May 14th, 2007 at 6:09 am
Hang in there. I know what that eating guilt is, when I was in my late teens/early 20’s i was anorexic and could not justify an apple a day. that got down to 1 raisen. Not kidding. I have found that when i get wound up now, if i dont eat it makes me worse manic wise. [learned that from whatever works post at furious seasons, dec 06]. my 24 yr old goes through the crying/high thing a bit more in the spring. she thinks the Lamictal is helping that crying depressive part.
Take care. Oh and ive been too lazy and tired to go find my ‘emotional baggage post’ in my email and re-do it. I wonder if its because I dont want to think about emotional baggage. LOL.
May 14th, 2007 at 8:47 am
Like Stephany, I learned the importance of eating enough a long time ago. Food is grounding and eating whole foods can also be healing. (no refined grains or sugar) But even before I learned the whole food technique –in the days I would still get manic–after the first few manias in which I ate nothing, the eating nothing did indeed make the mania worse. I learned to eat. Now the fact that I need to eat to feel healthy at all is difficult as the drugs have added weight, but my mental health is more important than the weight. If I’m lucky I will be off the meds at some point and then maybe, just maybe I’ll be able to lose some of what I’ve gained.
In any case eating *enough* should not put you at risk of being fat. I find that eating every two or three hours…a bit of protein and maybe an apple helps keep me stable. Many of us diagnosed with bipolar have blood sugar problems and if you don’t eat regularly I wouldn’t doubt that that could be an element of your rapid cycling. You don’t have to eat a lot to control your blood sugar…just eat frequently. I know it’s easier said than done–but give it a try if you can. At this point I honestly believe that eating well is more important than meds and can ultimately heal…something meds never do.
In the meantime I wish you the best with your struggles now. Rapid cycling is a bitch and isn’t it weird how you always think the mood you’re in is how you’re going to stay…even it it’s just a few hours. (it was that way for me anyway–still is though I don’t have as radical mood shifts as I once did–I’d say I’m in the realm of normal now, but the old habit of thinking “I’ll be like this forever,” is still how I operate.)
be well…
May 14th, 2007 at 10:36 am
ugh..I remember the days of freaking out if I hit over 1000 calories/day. not good. Now, I’m a protein shake addict. I find keeping my sugar level throughout the day, even when not hungry does wonders.
As for not being able to hold a thought with all the ideas, I keep notes…then go back to them. Some are laughable, (like what was I thinkin?) and some are actually decent ideas.
Hang in there. Hope you are feeling better soon.
May 14th, 2007 at 11:21 am
It sucks, sucks, sucks to be cycling like that. Except when it doesn’t suck, of course, the other half of the time. But this too shall pass and you will be stable again. Hang in there and please take care.
May 14th, 2007 at 8:12 pm
It sounds more like Ultradian Cycling to me–which is where I ultimately landed.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ultradian
I either can’t remember or don’t know what meds you’re on (is it Lamictal?) so many other Bipolar people to keep up with in the blogosphere
but Topamax/Topiramate really works well for me. It hits your Temporal Lobe pretty hard so it’s either a hit or miss drug. it will either work for you or it won’t but if it does–you’ll love it.
Some cognitive impairment issues (generally the same for all anticonvulsants) and major appetite suppression and sometimes taste perversion but these things went away more or less for me with time.
Just a suggestion? It could also be used as an adjunct. I don’t know where you are in the world so it may be used off-label but I love it. Works really well for me.
May 15th, 2007 at 1:18 am
I’m self-diagnosed as ultradian cycling, but I don’t expect to find a doctor who will use the term. I have been diagnosed as rapid cycling by an actual psychiatrist, though. Usually my mood episodes last longer than they’re lasting lately, but I cycle very quickly in the spring.
I’m glad Topamax works for you, but for me, it was a Very Bad Thing. I was on it for about five years, but the side effects were too bad and I won’t take it again. There was really only one side effect for me, extreme exhaustion, but I absolutely couldn’t function being so tired all the time. I’m currently on Zoloft and Epival, which had been working very well for me, but I think I might need my Epival dosage increased. I should talk to someone about it.
July 30th, 2007 at 12:20 pm
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