Anniversary
“My head is killing me, my throat is killing me, my stomach bubbles with toxic waste. I just want to sleep. A coma would be nice. Or amnesia. Anything, just to get rid of this, these thoughts, whispers in my mind. Did he rape my head, too?”
~ from Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson
Last night it occurred to me that I should mention there is an additional reason for my recent rapid cycling. May 7 is the anniversary of the first time I was raped, and I don’t do well with anniversaries. “Last night” I couldn’t fall asleep until 8 a.m., and I have been all over the place — tearful, then relaxed, then snappish, then hyper, and so on. I’m at the point where I wouldn’t even mind being depressed and staying that way for a bit, because it’s so jarring to keep abruptly going from fine to Definitely Not Fine.
I am expecting tonight to be bad, but maybe things will ease up somewhat in the next couple of days.
May 7th, 2007 at 1:36 pm
Ugh, I’m so sorry, that sounds terrible. I’m sending good vibes your way! Close your eyes and receive them (because I live near enough to Santa Cruz to still have vibes.)
This too shall pass. You’ll be okay.
May 7th, 2007 at 6:03 pm
i’m sending you good thoughts too… damn anniversaries. i guess it’s too late to remember to forget what date it is. hang in there, girl.
May 9th, 2007 at 2:33 am
Been thinking of you this week. You will get through. Thought I’d check in. Wish I could give you a safe, mom-like hug. Consider it done.
May 9th, 2007 at 10:07 am
Anniversaries… they can be as concrete as buildings. I hope you’re holding up.
On another matter, I’ve had to restrict public access to my blog after a senior work colleague with an ax to grind got wind of it. (The problem, of course, is not that it constitutes inappropriate use of work computers… I blog mostly from home.) If you’d like to have viewing access please email me (ruth_offlabel AT yahoo.com.au) and I’ll add you to the guest list. I expect that this will just be a short-term work-around until permanent solution is found.
Thanks, and apologies for the lack of substantive comment. I read your doctor’s appointment post with interest. Now that I’m unemployed, I’ll have much more time to read and comment on everyone else’s blogs!
Ruth (Off-Label)
May 11th, 2007 at 12:55 am
It is also the anniversary of a whole year passing by and you making it thru it. That’s a little something to hold on to, Polly.
Hope you are doing better today, kiddo.