Christ! What are patterns for?
Welcome to Rapid Cycling. Population: me.
(The image above is a magnet I have on my refrigerator.)
Lately I have been up-down-up-down-up-down. Usually rapid cycling is a February-March-April thing for me, and I start easing out of it around this time of year. Susan at Bipolar Wellness Writer recently wrote two good posts about seasonal aspects of depression and manic depression, Ebbs and Flows and Seasonal Affective Disorder. I can relate, as there is definitely a seasonal component to my illness.
I tend to have an overarching mood pattern of being very depressed from late September to early February, then hypomanic/manic until mid-May, then relatively normal or mildly hypomanic until late September. But I also tend to have cycles within cycles, especially in the February-to-May cycle. Then I often bounce from euphoric to dysphoric hypomania (and occasionally mania) to depression and back again, in random order, for random periods of time. The spring is my prime rapid cycling time, but that doesn’t mean it never happens at other times of year. I usually feel good during the summer, but sometimes I have episodes of depression then. I’m usually depressed during the fall and early winter, but sometimes I’ll be Doing Just Fine or I’ll have brief periods of hypomania.
For nearly five months, I have been Doing Just Fine with some ventures into mild hypomania now and then. For the past few days, though, I have been up and down frequently. I know some reasons why, of course. My current jobs have very variable hours and I don’t do so well when I’m not following a stricter schedule of sleeping and eating and working and leisure time. My problems with finding adequate treatment have also been frustrating me lately. (Experimental Chimp does a good job of blogging about his struggle to find adequate treatment, by the way.)
You ever notice that if someone already has you tagged with borderline personality disorder, then any time you admit that an actual life stressor is affecting your mood somehow, it’s seen as further confirmation that you have BPD? I know there’s supposed to be a “marked reactivity of mood,” but aren’t manic-depressives, or, God forbid, even people without any psychiatric diagnosis, permitted to have some reaction to things that have actually happened to them? And when some of those things are clearly physical reactions rather than psychological ones, too? It’s not rocket science that I’m going to be more unstable when my eating and sleeping and general living patterns are irregular.
Just an observation. I mean, I know that I currently don’t make a strong case for my own point at all, as my extreme rapid cycling as of late is actually typical of someone with BPD. I mean “extreme” in the sense of frequency/length of episodes and not at all in the sense of the behaviour that I am exhibiting. The most “extreme” I’ve been behaviour-wise lately was that Tuesday I cried a bit, and only the mental health nurse saw it the first time and nobody saw the second time.
At this very moment, I feel great, just so you know. At this very moment, I can’t imagine being depressed about anything. Don’t you love how even in the middle of rapid cycling, somehow I manage to firmly believe that whatever mood state I’m in is permanent?
I love Stephany’s post Who is a mental health advocate? Read it.
If you know where the title of my post came from without having to Google it, then I love you.
May 3rd, 2007 at 10:25 am
I think we’re all too obsessed with every minute (and not so minute) change in our moods.
And I too, have the problem of believing whatever my current state is–it will be forever–
Sometimes I think all that makes us different is our self obsession. I’d love to just witness my mood changes with equanimity. Is that too Zen?
May 3rd, 2007 at 12:31 pm
No, it’s not too Zen at all. Marja recently posted about the same subject, and I commented:
“Sometimes I feel that I focus too much on analyzing my moods. Then when I’ve been feeling well for a relatively long time, though, I stop analyzing them, and because I’ve stopped, I don’t always notice quickly enough when I start feeling bad or too hyper. I think I’m at a baseline, but I’m not.”
It’s not clear from that comment that I truly do believe that sometimes I’m too obsessed with every change in my moods, but I do. I was just focused on the opposite problem because that was an issue for me more recently. All fall, I cried every night for no reason, and I thought this was the normal way that I should feel. It wasn’t until I started taking a low dose of medication again, started feeling good and stopped crying every night, that I realized I hadn’t been feeling normal in the fall.
May 3rd, 2007 at 1:34 pm
When I had my bout w/ the dark thoughts over last weekend; I thought okay, these are symptoms. I just had to look at it like that to get outside of my head. Does that make sense? I got out of the house and just looked at it logically that the symptoms would pass. They did. I also know I have to watch my self for the impending manic phase that is sure on the heels of that. I seriously have to monitor anything I do that revs up my mind. Computer, music, stuff like that. If I have music on really loud, and am on the computer, it’s a sure thing that I will end up wound up, then crash later. Sitting in total silence is so fun. haha. sometimes thats what I have to do to clear out the symptoms from becoming full blown stuff. This stuff DOES cycle, in the fall and spring, and even with full moons, has anyone ever noticed the full moon thing like I have?
May 3rd, 2007 at 1:35 pm
PS–i love that magnet!
May 3rd, 2007 at 11:07 pm
I cycle really fast too, and always figure the way I feel is permanent. How can that be! It’s like my brain isn’t talking to my mind or something.
May 4th, 2007 at 4:06 am
I love the magnet as well. I’ve found that I can reduce rapid cycling by relaxation exercises. Sometimes, I play the Autoharp. Other times I try to garden. Sometimes, it’s walking. Sometimes, it’s just thinking calming thoughts or playing my harmonica.
The seasonal part of all this is a different matter. But it’s not that bad this time. I’ve just been more tired than usual and I’ve tried to spend more time outside and less time online. When I don’t feel well, I feel worse if I stay indoors.
I can see how the odd hours with your jobs would contribute. I always feel best when I have a fairly regular schedule. But, it’s never easy when you’re trying to make a living.
Sending good thoughts your way!
Susan
May 4th, 2007 at 9:46 pm
I love your quote: “Don’t you love how even in the middle of rapid cycling, somehow I manage to firmly believe that whatever mood state I’m in is permanent?”
It took complete knowledge and acceptance of my disorder before I could understand that my mood would be changing, possibly very quickly and very drastically.
May 5th, 2007 at 12:25 am
If I didn’t intellectually understand that my mood would be changing, I wouldn’t even have been able to come up with that quote, but understanding it emotionally is an entirely different thing.
May 6th, 2007 at 8:15 pm
I have that magnet on my fridge! I got it in New York a few years ago.
May 7th, 2007 at 1:08 am
Love the pic. Where did you get it?
May 7th, 2007 at 2:30 am
I bought the magnet itself at a bookstore a few years ago, and I also downloaded the image in the post a few years ago but have no idea where I got it from. Apparently you can buy the magnets here, although they’re out of stock right now.