Thinking about it
This is a bad time of year for me. I’ve gotten to the point where usually I’m dealing pretty well with past trauma, but I’m not good with anniversaries and I’ve got one coming up.
I’ll let you in on a little secret: sometimes I look forward to being able to think about it all at the end of the day. Usually I dread trying to go to sleep at night, but sometimes I just get so tired of consciously trying to block it all out during the day. That’s work. It’s hard work. This stuff will pop into my head during the day, and I have to make it go away. I have to make sure I don’t cry, I have to make sure I don’t scream, that I don’t start to hyperventilate or suddenly run out of a room, that I don’t do anything that will cause anybody to stare at me. In the night, in my room, I don’t have to worry what anybody thinks. Sometimes it’s a kind of relief, to just lie there and let all the memories wash over me. It’s horrible, sure, but at least it’s effortless. I can cry if I want to. No one else will ever know.
April 27th, 2007 at 11:19 pm
Yeah. I get it. It takes so much energy to keep all the crap from coming up. It take so much energy to appear normal.
Giving myself permission to freak out in the evenings has helped me.
April 29th, 2007 at 1:45 pm
Argh, anniversaries. Sorry you’re suffering.
December 23rd, 2007 at 1:09 am
Why do you sit around and worry about anniversaries. What about moving on with life. It happen, Its over, you cant change it. Move on. So are you going to sit around for the rest of your life and feel sorry for yourself. Life is short and your making your life shorter. Look at all the people who are “Raped and murdered”. People who are not ever found. You are lucky and dont even see it.
December 23rd, 2007 at 9:34 am
Hey, “Get over yourself,” why don’t you try reading some more of my posts before saying stupid stuff?
http://polarcoaster.net/2007/12/02/so-there/
Geez, I’d hate to live in your world, where if people are sad a couple days out of the year, you think it equals “not moving on,” “sitting around for the rest of your life and feeling sorry for yourself,” and “not seeing that you’re lucky.” Oh, and although I’m only vaguely annoyed by the words of some random Internet moron, in the future, if people tell you they were raped, you shouldn’t say to them, “Cheer up, at least you weren’t raped and murdered!” It’s really insensitive.