I was actually depressed a couple of months ago, for the first time in nearly two-and-a-half years. Spent a few weeks thinking about suicide all the time and so on. My doctor increased my dosage of Zoloft to 100 mg, up from 50 mg, because I told her I thought I might need my meds adjusted.

It worked, damnit. The depression just went away. Don’t get me wrong; I’m glad that I’m not depressed. But it doesn’t make any sense to me that the drugs are helping. The chemical imbalance theory of mental illness is crap. Antidepressants haven’t been proven to be any more effective than placebo for most patients, and I am a cynical bitch who always expects the worst, so placebo effects don’t tend to affect me, not for the better, anyway.

I was also really annoyed because spring is not a typical depression time for me. I tend to spend February through May hypomanic and/or manic and/or rapid cycling, and constant depression is more of a September through January thing for me. I found it unsettling to be depressed in the spring, and I also had this self-righteous, whiny sense that it was not fair. If I had to be crazy in the spring, I at least wanted to be hypomanic, to feel that everything in the whole universe was connected, spend too much money, drink too much, to be loud and obnoxious, flirt inappropriately with people, stay awake all night, feel driven to write and write and not be able to stop writing, to see the funny side of everything, to have ideas zoom through my brain in rapid succession, to love the world so much that it hurt. That was a more typical spring experience for me, and I felt cheated out of it by having depression ungraciously plunk itself down in April.

I want to cut my dosage back down to 50 mg as soon as I can do so without getting depressed again. I’ve only been on the higher dosage for about six weeks, so it’ll be a while yet, though. I don’t want to wind up gradually increasing my meds to the maximum dosages until they stop working altogether.

Lately (and by “lately,” I mean “for the past year”) I have been getting every single cold and flu that’s been going around. (Well, I haven’t gotten swine flu. That’s something to be thankful for.) The past couple of months, I’ve spent a lot of time too wired too sleep but too tired to focus or do anything much. I am used to this, since I’m an insomniac, but I’m just used to it taking up some of the night, not the entire evening and some of the night. This is very frustrating.

I still have several partially-written posts that I never finished because I got too tired in the middle of typing them. I like to think that I’ll get to them someday.

Yup, I’m still alive. But my back hurt for a while longer due to another slight injury, and then I had a bad headache constantly for a month. The headache went away as mysteriously as it came, which is good, because I was getting really tired of having Tylenol for breakfast. Then I had a cold, and all through all of these things, I was exhausted all of the time, but the exhaustion is finally going away and I’m not quite so tired all the time.

I’m still kind of tired lately, but mostly I feel frantic. There is so much stuff that I want to do and I was feeling too crappy to do any of it. I don’t mean “essential” things; I mean I wanted to read more books, write more blog posts, make more artwork, etc., etc., etc. (Screw housework.) Now I don’t feel like I can catch up. I always feel that however much I do, it’s not enough.

The chiropractor has suggested that I cut down on my time at the computer for the next little while, and I am actually listening to him. My back is feeling a bit better, so it is possible that my time away from the keyboard is helping me.

An online friend of mine died recently, and since she was not someone I knew from the mental health blogosphere, any time that I have been spending online has been elsewhere, as those of us who knew her deal with the emotional fallout and try to organize things to do in her memory.

I didn’t know her extremely well, but she was a lovely person who always had a kind word to say and never got caught up in petty Internet drama. And she was so young. I am heartbroken about this, and I feel so bad for her family.

I’ve had an Internet friend die from suicide before, and now I’m discovering that it isn’t any better or any worse to have one die from natural causes. It’s just different. And it sucks every bit as much.

Really, really bad insomnia last night. I haven’t been sleeping well in a while, but this was particularly brutal. I went to bed early (for me), around eleven, and it took me a couple of hours to get to sleep, which isn’t unusual (for me), but then I kept waking up repeatedly all night, which is unusual for me. Ugh. Then when I got up for the day, instead of feeling tired, I was all jittery and wired. It was as if the one cup of coffee I’d had the previous day had suddenly multiplied to about six cups. No, I don’t usually drink coffee, but it still shouldn’t affect me that strongly.

My back does not feel any better after the first treatment with the chiropractor, but at least it also doesn’t feel any worse. Plus, now I know that my back can make sounds like a bowl of Rice Krispies, which I suppose is sort of interesting.

I’m having some back problems lately, so I haven’t been spending as much time sitting at the computer as usual. I’m doing better than I was, but since over-the-counter painkillers, time, and alcohol have not cured it completely, I’m going to try seeing a chiropractor. Here’s hoping that this will help.

Mood-wise, I am doing pretty well. A bit angsty lately, but I suspect that is PMS speaking. At least I hope so, because then it would also explain my current desire to eat all of the chocolate in the world.

Excuse me, I now must go lie on fluffy pillows and read mystery novels.

I am tired of feeling so inadequate lately, and I’ve decided that the best way to remedy this is to not be inadequate anymore. To spend less time passively wasting my time. Admittedly, since I don’t watch TV, ever, it might be harder for me than for lots of other people to figure out where I can stop wasting time. Reading stuff on the Internet and not posting anything myself is a giant time-suck, though. So posting a bit here and elsewhere is a good first step. Although I have always resisted the notion that it is absolutely necessary to walk before you can run, it occurs to me that it might be refreshing to start off walking for a change, rather than rushing headlong into things as I usually do.

This means that my plan to clean my apartment can wait until the new year, of course. I wouldn’t want to overextend myself. I hate posting emoticons in blog entries, but I have to admit that a winking smiley face would not be out of place right here.

Despite my complete absence from the blogosphere lately, I’m still alive.

Eight years since my most serious suicide attempt, and I’m still alive.

I haven’t been getting much sleep lately, but I’m not doing too badly apart from that.

Have unfixable personal problem. Am not going into details because I try to be as vague as possible about real-life stuff on this blog, in keeping with my anonymity shtick. It is the sort of thing that happens to everyone.

This does not make it hurt any less.

I’m not able to complete any of the abandoned, half-written blog posts that I have lounging around, or to do much of anything except cry. Well, when I’m at home. I do go to work and am functional enough there.

I am not depressed. I am just unbearably sad.

I’m totally at a loss for words when I try to discuss this article, Critics: Don’t tie driver’s licence renewal to psychiatric history. Oh, there’s nothing wrong with the article itself. The topic, however, horrifies me. There is something really, really wrong with the Registry of Motor Vehicles in Nova Scotia.

Service Nova Scotia now requires people renewing their licences to indicate on an application form if they’ve had a “psychiatric or psychological condition.”

People who indicate yes — even if it was something such as a bout of depression — are asked to provide more specific details and then must have a doctor complete a medical, sharing what’s usually confidential information with the government.

“The contents of the medical report will be reviewed by department staff and may be referred to a committee of medical specialists who make recommendations on clients’ medical fitness to safely drive,” the province has advised affected people in writing.

The application form also asks those renewing their licences if they have had lung, heart, eye or neurological diseases, a stroke or dementia.

Doctors sometimes charge a fee for the medical and failure to comply with the request could result in drivers losing their licences.

Why, why, why would anyone ever think this is a good idea?

Paul Arsenault, the provincial registrar of motor vehicles, defended the practice, saying that his department needs to know that information for the sake of public safety.

“If somebody’s severely depressed, they probably shouldn’t be on the road,” he said.

Hiya. Manic-depressive here. Severe depression, mania, psychosis, the whole works. I’ve never had a car accident. I’m not saying that nobody ever caused an accident because they were manic and driving too fast, or that no asshole has ever committed suicide by crashing their car, but that’s got nothing to do with me. My psychiatric condition isn’t any of the provincial government’s business, and I certainly don’t see why anybody who needs to get their license renewed should have to tell the government if they’ve had a brief bout of anxiety or depression in the past.

Carol Tooton, executive director of the Nova Scotia division of the Canadian Mental Health Association… wondered why the province would require such sensitive medical information that has little to do with somebody’s ability to operate a vehicle.

“I’ve never heard of this before. It certainly doesn’t help to eliminate the stigma around someone who may have a mental illness.”

See, I’m not the only person who thinks this is screwed up.

Stephen Ayers, the executive director of the Schizophrenia Society of Nova Scotia, said he was uneasy about the requirement and found it intrusive.

“This is concerning, obviously. It’s required by law for a physician or psychiatrist to notify (the Registry of) Motor Vehicles of a medical condition a person has that would impair their ability to drive.”

David Simpson, with the Mental Health Police Records Check Coalition, an Ontario rights advocacy organization, said the practice smacks of discrimination.

“What you always have to be worried about in situations like this is if there is some sort of systemic bias in place or covert discrimination, that they believe because you have a mental illness you’re going to use your vehicle as a weapon to injure people or injure yourself.”

I would definitely not indicate yes on this form and then pay $50 to get a doctor to complete a medical.

Since that article is a week old, how about you also check out one from today’s issue of the same paper? I mentioned Howard Hyde’s death last year, and here’s the latest news:

The Nova Scotia government will appoint a fatality inquiry into the death of Howard Hyde, who died after being Tasered by Halifax police in November.

Justice Minister Cecil Clarke announced the inquiry today on the heels of a report from the province’s chief medical examiner that found that Mr. Hyde died of excited delirium, not of being zapped with a Taser.

Yeah, because you hear about so many people dying of excited delirium while they’re not in police custody, right?